3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
