I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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