can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
