My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
