you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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