i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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