sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
