I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
