It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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