Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
