grandma shit on top of the toilet
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
