ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
