My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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