I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
