Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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