An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
