I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
