If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i dont even know how to be here
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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