I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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