I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
