I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
