Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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