I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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