I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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