How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
