If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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