i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
