another moral hangover. fuck.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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