Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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