Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why do cheetos always look like penises
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
