It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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