You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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