my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
