...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
