Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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