Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
