Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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