Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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