Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
