You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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