My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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