Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she told me i tasted like america
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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