I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
