Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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