i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Randomize
