my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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