Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
