my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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