My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
