i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
